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Friday, November 28, 2003

The Unnamed Saga
By Mike Herr



PLAYERS:
Mike Herr as The Young Man/ The Wheelman
Ryan McDonough as The Jester
Matt Faulkner as The Patient
Bob Dukeman as The Big Think
Scott Musler as The Merrymaker
Mom as Mam
A St. Charles Police Officer as Obstacle 1
Julie Hammond as The Drag
The Mall as Hell
Tammy McDaniel as The Scarlet Phantom
John Coltrane as Music



A saga has its ups and downs, and my friends, this saga will be a fitting example. In all sagas too, are lessons to be learned, so pay close attention and you may learn a thing or two. Our saga begins with a young man in search of one certain element: Fun. His search begins on a frosty November morn...

The Young Man was waken by his mom, whom he called Mam. She called to him, "Wake up, darling son of mine, for it is time for your test of skill behind the old wheel!" The Young Man responded sleepily, "Yessum, I'll wake in a short bit. Make some toast for me, and I'll play with myself in the shower." The Young Man laid for a short bit longer, but then arose from his springs and walked upstairs to bathe. The Young Man felt as brisk as ever as he leapt out of the shower and his clothing leapt up on to him. "Breakfast is ready, darling son. Come and fetch it while it's hot!" called his mom. But, The Young Man shouted back, "Ahh yes, thankee Mam, I'll be eating in a short bit." The Young Man ate his breakfast and then they were off to the Test Place to see if The Young Man could prove his skill with handling the wheel. The Young Man knew that passing the test was the first step in his search for Fun, and that his must succeed. At the Test Place, The Young Man and his mom waited for someone to take The Young Man out for his test. Soon a large man clad in lime colored trousers, a brown sweater vest, and a name tag that read "Obstacle 1" walked towards them. "You readay fo da test, honkey bee?" asked Obstacle 1. "Why, I most certainly am, sir. Would you like a breathe mint?" asked The Young Man in a polite fashion. To this Obstacle 1 answered, "Shit, I ain't yo brotha, les hit it." The Young Man got behind the wheel and did just as Obstacle 1 told him. Soon Obstacle 1 said, "Pull right in der nigga cause we tru." So, The Young Man finished his test, but did he pass? After they came to a stop at the Test Place, Obstacle 1 said to The Young Man in a dissapointed voice, "Motherfucka, you passed da test. I'm gettin' da fuck otta hee," and walked inside the Test Place. The Young Man's mom walked out to him and asked, "Well, my darling son, how did you do?" The Young Man answered, "I have gotten by Obstacle 1 and passed the test, Mam." With that, they went back home, and the young man would from then on be known as The Wheelman. At home he rested his weary head. After his rest, he contacted his pal, The Jester. "I passed the test," said The Wheelman, "And I'll be over in a bit, and we'll begin the search." The Jester answered happily, "You're a monguloid." The Wheelman wished his parents farewell, jumped behind the wheel, and let loose the beautiful sounds of Music. Music filled him with energy and ambition, and he knew that he must find Fun before the night came to an end. The Wheelman soon arrived at The Jester's household, and The Jester was dropping excrement on his front lawn. "Monguloid shit faggot," yelled The Jester as he rubbed his tuckus on the ground and then hopped in with The Wheelman. "Are you ready for the hunt, my friend?" asked The Wheelman, and The Jester answered, "Well, let's go, don't smoke me." Then, they were off and Music carried them to their next stop: The Patient's place. When they arrived at The Patient's place, The Patient walked patiently and got in. "Where're we headed boys?" he asked as he got in, and The Jester answered slyly, "Smoke me sandwich Joe." The Wheelman took them all over God's green earth looking for a place to eat, to start the evening off right. After heading this way and that, the three finally arrived at an establishment which served roast beef. They all hopped out and hopped in to provide their innards with something to work with. The boy at the counter asked courteously, "What can I get you?" The Jester answered, "I'll have a chicken patty, you ass cracker." The Wheelman answered, "I'll have the beef, good sir." The Patient answered, "Gimme uhh, the beef and cheddar." After recording all of their orders, the boy at the counter put on a rubber glove and pulled their food out of his ass. They picked up their food, ate it, and strolled out feeling satisfied. "Next, my friends, we shall pick up The Big Think," said The Wheelman as they went along. The Wheelman pulled up to The Big Think's household, and out strolled The Big Think with his wide smile and long locks of hair. "Welcome, my friend," said The Wheelman, and The Big Think answered, "Yo bee". "One more stop, my friends, and then we shall begin our hunt," said the Wheelman. They traveled next to The Merrymakers house which was far away and around many twists and curves. When they arrived, they all walked up and rang the dinger. The Merrymaker came to the door and said, "Heeeey, you guys can come in if you want." They all entered and began the council. "So what do you guys want to do?" asked The Patient. "Fuck man, let's fuck up some kids and go to Hell or somethin," said The Jester. "I don't mind, friends. You must decide, for I have no opinion on it," said The Wheelman. "How about we go play miniature golf at that new mall place or somethin'?" suggested The Big Think as he fiddled with a puzzle cube. "Let's just go to Hell or somethin'," said The Merrymaker, and so they were off to Hell. So, The Wheelman, The Jester, The Patient, The Big Think, and The Merrymaker began their journey for Fun, but it seemed that they got off on the wrong foot, for they were headed for the darkest of dark places, HELL. They were not concerned though and The Merrymaker led them in song and The Jester made twisted remarks and The Big Think thought about how to find Fun and The Wheelman behaved and sat behind the wheel calmly and The Patient was patient, often joining in the singing. When they arrived at Hell, they all hopped out and hopped in, and The Merrymaker ran about screaming and singing happily in a scraped, coarse voice. They searched all over Hell for Fun, but it was nowhere to be found. Then they all stopped and had a small council to decide where to go, for Hell was not a pleasant place. The Merrymaker contacted some others, but the others had no idea where Fun was or how to find it. The Wheelman could sense his crew becoming quite down and he knew that they must leave hell and go forth and away. "Come my friends, let us search some place else, for this is a desolate, stinking place," said The Wheelman, and his crew agreed. The Jester wanted to make one stop at the sound store before leaving Hell. They all walked in and looked around, but The Jester could not see what would make him happy, because in Hell, there's not much that will. The Wheelman found a dark session of Music, and purchased it, but would save it for later. And, The Merrymaker bought a heavenly drink that would surely help them with their search, but saved it for a bit later. So, The Wheelman led them out of Hell, and they were relieved, but still down for they had not found Fun. They all got in and were off, but they knew not where they were headed. They just went and went and went and went for what seemed like forever times two, and then The Merrymaker took out his heavenly drink. And they all drank from it, and as they drank, they became happier and happier. The Merrymaker led them in song and even The Wheelman joined in, and soon they saw a bright light, and as they went it grew bigger and bigger. It was Fun, and it was almost within their grasp. The Wheelman went faster and faster, but they could not catch it. They could only have a glimpse, for the drink made them see fun, but not have it. However, The Merrymaker was taken for he wanted to keep going because a voice called out to him from far away. "Come to me, oh Merrymaker!" sang the voice and The Merrymaker commanded The Wheelman to take him to the voice, and The Wheelman did. When they arrived at the place the voice sounded from, The Merrymaker forgot all, and left them. The voice was called The Drag from then on out, for it had taken the merriment out of their party. Thus, there was one less on the search for Fun, and The Wheelman, The Jester, The Patient, and The Big Think were left to continue on. They went on silently, The Wheelman steering them, The Jester getting weary and no twisted remarks left his tongue, The Patient still being very patient and keeping his head high, and The Big Think thinking away. It seemed that there was no hope in finding Fun, and The Jester soon felt the effects of weariness and turned into a zombie, not saying one word. The Wheelman took him back to his home and bid him farewell, and the zombie of The Jester left saying, "Goodnight motherfucker." Then only The Wheeler, The Patient, and The Big Think were left to find Fun. Then, The Big Think, being a thinker, thought up an idea that may lead to Fun. Pulling out his device, The Big Think said, "I'm going to call The Scarlet Phantom. Maybe she'd want to come with us". So, The Scarlet Phantom answered The Big Think's call, but was tired and weary, and refused to show herself to the three. "I'm tired my darlings, goodbye," she said, and was gone. The night was coming to a close, and Fun seemed far off. Soon it was time for The Patient to return home and rest, and so The Wheelman bore him. "Goodbye dear friend. We shall find him some other day," said The Wheelman. The Patient answered in a cool voice, "Alright man, I'll see you later," and he walked away. The Patient knew his patience would pay, for patience is always rewarded with greatness. The Wheelman then proceeded to deliver The Big Think back home, and wished him farewell. Then, all alone and lonely, The Wheelman returned home feeling feelings of defeat knowing that Fun had escaped them. He was carried away to sweet sweet slumber though when he put on the dark sessions of Music, and he forgot about Fun.

So ends our saga, and indeed it was a dramatic time. Thus, it is proved that not all things end happily, and sometimes the greatest of adventures are filled with unknown joys and sorrows.





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